Mind my plums!

It was a hazy spring afternoon when Davina entered the green grocer’s shop. The light slanted in between the notices stuck on the window, – MeLon’ s £1-99 and in one corner BICYCLE FOR SALE 27″ frame £20, and MAN & VAN, with telephone numbers. Plum’s the greengrocer had been at the centre of village life for a long time, and fulfilled many functions, not just the supply of your Five-a-day to whomsoever might be interested.
Since moving to the village, Davina’s intake of fruit and veg had escalated astonishingly. This was not due to a conscious decision to eat more healthily. It was due to her seeking an excuse to visit as often as possible. It was quite close to her flat, so she could manage to spread her purchases thinly, buying a little something at a time. She had come to love the feel of the rustly paper bags, of a succulent pear in the palm of her hand. The proprietor, a young man who was keeping on the family business, had decided she must be a health food obsessive, always wanting her fruit as fresh as possible. And that was fine, because he liked serving her. She always dressed very nicely too, though she seemed impervious to cold. Even on chilly days she rarely wore a coat, and often appeared in a vest top. He supposed she was also keen on keeping fit.

In fact Davina was a recent convert to the joys of intensive fruitage. She had at first just come to the shop out of curiosity and orientation to her new home. She asked for apples, – unable at the time to think what else to all for. The green grocer had stepped forward out of the shadows and been handsome at her. Quite powerfully. And it had had an immediate effect, so that when she said “a bag of apples please” and he had replied “what do you like? Cox?” She had become covered with confusion and had to go outside for a few moments, feigning a coughing fit.

She recovered herself, and got her apples to take home. It was very first experience of Cox like this, – in a brown paper bag, and it was as delicious an experience as the apples themselves. Next time she went in, a little shyly, and asked for the next kind of fruit on her then short list; pears.
The lovely green grocer had smiled at her again, and his hand her brushed hers as he handed over the brown paper bag. “I always say you can’t beat a lovely juicy pear.” She was almost sure he had winked.

As time had passed, her requests had become more adventurous, and her outfits smaller and tighter. She bought potatoes with the earth still on, and then asked him to clean it, “Can you make the earth removed for me please?” She asked him about his plums, and he generously let her feel them first.
By the time she asked for his advice on melons, she was dressed in a vest top so tight that from some angles it was possible to read her bra size through the taut fabric. She hoped the green grocer, expert as he appeared to be with succulent fruits, would not need to see the label to confirm what he could judge with his eyes.
She stood in the busy shop, breathless with excitement, watching him deftly reaching for a leek, adjusting his courgettes, talking effortlessly with the customers. She hung back, professing indecision, until everyone else has been served. “I’m interested in your melons” she said. “Can you advise me?”
He gave her that smile again, and she felt the sensations stirring within…She thought she could hear her blood circulating, rushing through her ears on its way to other, more secret places….

“I certainly can” he answered. “I’m a great man for the melons myself.” He lifted a cantaloupe gently with one strong hand, and lifted it up for her to see. “You have to handle them very gently…they bruise easily, do melons, especially when they are ripe…and juicy, and -” he shot a lingering glance at her chest – “ready to burst”
“I’m sure you’re right” she whispered, her voice failing in her throat.
“Should I get just the one, or would I be better with two?”
He put the melon on a scale, and reached for another. “I always say, why have one melon when you could have two”
She nodded, her mouth dry. “I’ll take those then”
“Anything else?”
She felt as though she stood at the brink; it was more or never…
“Can I see a courgette, maybe?”
Of course she could. He picked one out, and held out towards her. In an instant of pure passion she took a firm grip on it with one hand and pulled him towards her. They stood for a moment, the courgette firm and upright between them.
He reached past her and flicked the sign on the door to CLOSED and then allowed himself to be propelled backwards until he was leaning against a shelf covered in artificial grass, and still stacked with produce.
Davina was leaning against him, her succulent melons, still, he noticed, with the stalks on, were tempting him beyond endurance. And since he could not endure that, he gave in to it, dropping his courgette and unwrapping the melons (he was glad these did not rustle) and checking them for ripeness. They were, as he had expected, perfect. She leaned harder against him, and they tipped back into the shelf, which was fortunately strongly built, like him. “Mind my plums!” He cried. The contents of the shelf tumbled away across the floor. She didn’t mind his plums, at all.
Suddenly she looked surprised ” what’s happened to your courgette?”
He laughed “that’s the thing about a courgette…in no time at all, with the right conditions, it turns into a marrow!”

Scotsmen. The great decision: YES or NO

Penelope loved her job. It was very glamorous being a reporter for the highly regarded Scottish newspaper Och Aye Tha News, and she was the only English person on the staff, which made her feel extra special. True, it had a declining circulation of only around 3,000, about a third of the population of its hometown of Invercraunch, but she was a real journalist, and that was all she had ever wanted to do.
She was doubly excited when the Features Editor (he was also Sports Editor, Local News Editor and covered Small Ads; on a little local paper everyone has to pull their weight) called her to his office for a special assignment.
“Miss Penelope” he growled [Editors have to growl and there is training for those who struggle with this] “With the big vote approaching, I have a particular challenge in mind and I think that YOU are the man for the job. So to speak”
This was wonderful news! She took up her reporter’s notebook excitedly.

The assignment was to interview two local characters with opposing views, Murdo McGregor of the YES campaign, and Hamish MacIntyre of the NO camp.

Murdo was a tall and wiry man, with a mass of ginger hair which waved around to give emphasis to his arguments. It was distracting, so Penelope asked him to put it down. He did do, and she could then admire his twinkling jaw, the set of his masculine eyes.
“So tell me Mr McGregor, why do you feel so strongly that people should vote YES?”
Murdo settled into his chair comfortably.
“It’s time to move forward,Miss Penelope. The men o’ Scotland need support, and we should no’ be too proud to say so”
Penelope was jotting this all down with alacrity. A pen would have been more useful, but she had forgotten to bring one.

“What do you think the women of Scotland think about this though?”
Murdo smiled broadly; he always smiled that way at broads.
“Nae doubt they’ll be o’ the same mind. They ken just as well as we men how important it is to feel supported. We can say guidbye to a’ that if we get a Nae vote. Everything will be hanging by a wee thread, so it will, and that’s nae guid tae them either.”
“But Miss Penelope, ye must hae some views o’ your own. This is important!”
In a gentler tone, he continued “An’ I do ken how difficult this is fer some folks. Especially the older ones. We in the YES campaign believe it’s high time we moved for’ard, but traditions hold us in strong bonds, so they do.”
He leaned towards her, sensing she was warming to the subject, and fixing her with a gaze which made her shorthand go wobbly.

“Do ye like a bit o’ STRONG BOND yersel’ Miss Penelope? I’m a wee bit partial to that meself, if the truth be told” he reached towards her, gently crooking a finger under her chin and lifting it so he could look again into her eyes. Her concentration was lost. She was indeed warming, in areas of her body which had heretofore been untouched by journalism.

Blushing, she confessed “I do like to be held tight, certainly…”
Murdo laughed, a rich laugh like a tea biscuit,and staring appreciatively at her plump stotties, said “once this interview is over, maybe the two of us could have a wee game of tying the knot, eh?”
But Penelope was in no mood to wait. Casting aside her reporter’s notebook and her alacrity, she climbed onto Murdo’ s tartan lap and pressed herself against his strong chest. She gazed up at him from under her lashes, – it being impossible to look at him from above them as her eyelids were in the way.
“Oh gosh!”She exclaimed as she sank into his lap. “Whatever is that?”
“My sporran!” He explained. She looked momentarily disappointed, but then he assured her that his mighty sporran was only worn to try to contain the power beneath, lest it be too distracting…

And she was mollified. At least, that what Murdo called it.
“Mollify me again!” She cried, “and then cut me free again with your great big dirk!”

Once she was completely mollified, she wrote up her interview. (She left out the whole mollification part) and went to visit Hamish.

Hamish welcomed her with alacrity. She told him that she brought her own.
He was a burly, muscular man, whose massive knees shone beneath his kilt when he sat down. He was very keen to tell her his opinion.
“We say NO, he see. NO because it violates a’ oor most treasured traditions. I canna believe that any folk would want tae gie them up. I’ve a lot o’ respect for oor Murdoch, mind. But wi’ his modern notions we wud a’ be saying guidbye tae oor proud heritage”

Penelope nodded, breathlessly. Hamish was becoming animated, and she noted with her new sense of understanding that his sporran was also animated.

“He talks a load of hornswoggle, too, if ye dinna mind me sayin'”
“Really?” Penelope was intrigued. “How do you mean?”

Hamish hesitated. He looked at the lovely Penelope, cross legged on the chair in front of him, her smooth thigh exposed, taunting him with its thighishness.
“It’s probably best if I show ye. Then ye’ll ken why folks roond here are so passionate aboot a’ this”

Penelope watched, unable to look away, as Hamish unclipped his massive sporran and handed it to her to hold.
“It’s SO heavy!” She said “but the tassel is so strokeable”. She clasped it firmly, running her fingers over it.
“This is the important part, though” said Hamish, lifting his kilt.
“Now take a GUID look, Miss Penelope. Nice and close up”
“So is this a haggis?” She asked after a significant pause.
“Nay, lass, it’s the sack for my bagpipe. You’ll mebbe like to try and get a wee tune out o’ it, while ye’re doon there….”

Penelope discovered she had quite a knack with the bagpipe; she worked at it with all her breath and the result was surprisingly stirring, especially for Hamish.
“I’ve always loved the skirl o’ the pipe” he said contentedly.

Penelope felt that Hamish’s argument was a good one, that Scotsmen should say NO to the wearing of underpants beneath the kilt

A spanner in my works

Suds! Suds! Everywhere. Darlene opened the door of her kitchen and was met by a huge mound of bubbles. Pausing only to scoop up a few handfuls and toss them playfully, she waded through and found her pad of Useful Numbers. She had never had to call a plumber before. But this was a crisis. Luckily a Pipes@Home engineer was not too far away. Darlene cleared the mess as best she could and then went upstairs to change out of her wet trousers. She had only just undressed when the doorbell rang. Not wanting to miss the engineer on any account, she grabbed her satin dressing gown and wrapped it around her voluptuous and still slightly damp body.
She descended the stairs two at a time, the dressing gown flapping around her shapely legs. This was the view which greeted the engineer waiting on the doorstep: The front door had a glass panel which now bore the imprint of his nose, pressed against it as he watched her approach.
She fumbled with the lock inside, he fumbled with his overalls outside
The door eventually opened, and a flustered Darlene beckoned the engineer inside
“Such a mess!” she exclaimed, but the engineer disagreed, telling her she looked fine really. Darlene blushed and played with her hair

In the kitchen there were still bubbles spreading in a slow tide across the floor.
“Stop cock! That’s what we need” said the engineer
“Stop cock? That never occurred to me” said Darlene, feeling foolish. Then she suddenly realised he was looking around for somewhere to put his bag
“Do you need somewhere to put your tools?” she asked “it’s not a very big kitchen and that’s a huge toolbag.”
She cleared a space for him and the engineer eased his toolbag onto the table.
“I expect we’ll find the stopcock under the sink” he said helpfully “why don’t you have a look?”

Darlene opened the door of her under-sink cupboard. The floor was still very wet so she bent carefully down, grasping her dressing gown with one hand to stop it falling into the puddles. Sure enough the stop cock was there. She tried to turn it with her free hand, but it was stiff.
“It’s so stiff!” she cried, but the engineer did not at first reply: he was adjusting his overalls again as he watched Darlene, her dressing gown the only filmy barrier obscuring her succulent butt as she bent over the cupboard.
“I said it very stiff” she repeated. There was a pause, and then the engineer muttered awkwardly “I’m sorry miss, it just happens”

Darleen turned round to look at him: he was young, with a strong jawline, muscular muscles and two good eyes. He also appeared to have a large spanner inside his overalls.
“Let me take care of this!” he said confidently, striding forward. Darlene could see he was carrying a pipe wrench and a sink plunger, one in each hand. So where was the huge spanner?

In a moment he had turned off the water and stemmed the rising tide of suds. “No more stop cock problems for you!” he said triumphantly. “Now I just need to flush through your pipes”
Darlene was flushed already, and couldn’t help but stay close and watch as he pulled out her washer and felt along her tubing with a firm but gentle stroking and squeezing action.
“What are you doing that for?” she asked. “I’m wondering if you have a blockage along here” he replied, and Darlene stood back a little to let him finish the job. She watched his strong back as he squeezed the tubing vigorously, and felt a deep, damp yearning to be that tubing.

“I think I’ve found the problem” he said suddenly, and in a flash he had whipped off her connections, released her tubing and the blockage, (a coin) fell to the floor. “Oh how marvellous!” Darlene exclaimed “Will you need to flush through now?”
The engineer straightened up awkwardly “I fear so, yes”
To lighten the moment, he glanced down at the coin on the floor and said
“My tip!”
Darlene looked searchingly at him, and yes, she thought she could see his tip…

In a sudden surge of passion, she flung open her satin dressing gown: the effect on the engineer was immediate, (though mollified by the fact that Darlene was still wearing her sweatshirt…she had only taken her trousers off when the doorbell rang)he sprang forward, taking her in his arms. The huge spanner seemed to get in the way a bit at first, but after a while they made room for it.

The engineer was good, very good. No leaks, and the pressure was higher than ever before. Darlene had worries about blockages in her tubing, or her stopcock or valves any more. Her engineer from Pipes@Home was right at home in her pipes…

The Rude Mechanical

Clarissa Tilbury was distressed: her beautiful brow furrowed in concern. Her beloved BMW convertible was unwell: it made strange noises, stranger even than the ones Clarissa had sometimes made in it. She loved to feel the power of it beneath her, a tickle of her right foot enough to make it growl and surge forward. But now she feared it was not reliable, and no woman to fear that power drain away at a crucial moment. She booked it into a garage – Honest Mike’s Reliable Repairs.

As she explained the problem, her hands anxiously twisted the strap of her fabulously expensive designer handbag. “I’m afraid I don’t really understand mechanical things…” she faltered, pressing her perfectly manicured hand to her chest apologetically. Mike noticed the polished nails and pale smooth skin, and contrasted it with his own oily hands.
“When I press for more power, I get a big knocking”
Mike nodded. He had had that very same problem himself, but there is never anyone around for a man to talk these things over with.

“it could be your big end…” he suggested, snatching a quick glimpse at it “How about if I take a look?”
“At my big end? If you think that’ll help” she giggled, blushing
“Let me get underneath for a moment. I find that works better for me”
Mike laid down on the hard concrete floor and wriggled underneath the car. The action dragged his jeans kneewards slightly, exposing hairy belly and the top of his underpants. Clarissa stared, mesmerised, at his toolbox
“I can’t see any leaks, no damp patches or anything” he reassured her.
“Can you see anything helpful?” Clarissa asked. Mike assured her that yes he had seen something useful (as Clarissa was wearing very tight jeans) and that he would sort her out if he could.

“Oh thankyou!” she cried “I can’t wait to get back in the driving seat, feeling my hair being rippled and my cheeks flushing. It’s just the best thing ever”

Mike rubbed his oily hands down the front of his jeans by way of distraction. “I’ll just get my overalls on then, love, then I’ll get to work. I’ll give her a thorough check while I’m down there, don’t you worry. Tappets, timing, I’ll grease her nipples and everything. You have a seat over there” He pointed to a grubby chair in the corner of the office.

Clarissa sat down in it, wondering if she would have a dirty bottom at the end of all this, while Mike got to work.

After a little while he returned. “I’m afraid it’s looking quite serious my dear. I don’t think I can finish in one go. Can she stay over?”
Clarissa looked upset “Oh no! I just thought you’d be able to sort her out quickly…you look like a man who could do that” she purred, like the engine of a well tuned Jaguar.
“I’ll certainly do my best” he said. “I’m known for my skills with a wrench, but this could be quite a big one”

“While she’s in, how about going over the bodywork?” Clarissa asked
“Would you like me to?” Mike asked, beads of sweat appearing through the grime on his forehead
Clarissa nodded, suddenly realising she found the smell of sump oil strangely alluring. She reached her soft, clean hand out to Mike, who looked confused, and then tenderly placed his spanner in it.
“Oh my! That’s huge! ” cried Clarissa, “and so heavy! How do you manage to hold that all day?”
Mike drew her to him, his huge spanner still between them, pressed between her swelling baps.
“I don’t want to get you dirty” he said, concern in his voice
“I am already very dirty” Clarissa murmured, sliding her hands over the spanner. It was hard and oily
“Take off my jeans, Mike” she whispered
He pulled away, shaking his head. “You’ve got this all wrong Miss Tilbury”
“Why?”
“I’m not wearing your jeans”
“Never mind, take off the ones I’m wearing. I’ve got oil on them”
“Do you want me to get them cleaned?” asked Mike anxiously
“No!” she gasped, grasping his well-muscled arms in her dainty hands, “I want you get oil all over me…”